About that day I smashed a cup in front of my son

It was one of the worst parenting days of my life. I was beyond exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, and angry. That day everything was too much.

I was battling recurrent bouts of flu, I was neck deep in deadlines, still grieving the death of my mother, and my children were being especially uncooperative that day. I have been feeling it building up for the past couple of days, I was getting burned out, I felt backed up against the wall with all the responsibilities left unfulfilled. I wasn’t getting enough sleep and felt so drained caring for a rambunctious toddler and an energetic pre-schooler who have been keeping the house in its constant state of chaos.

People have warned me about it. About those days when it will be too much to handle, about parenting being the toughest job in the world, about it consuming me, sapping all my energy and patience. People have told me that some days you just get burned out you lose it, you shout or scream, or throw a precious toy out a window.

And then finally,  it happened.

My playful little boy who refuse to listen has been chasing his little sister around the bathroom squeezing shampoo on her head splashed me with water all over, I was soaking wet, exhausted, overwhelmed, sick, and angry. It wasn’t just the water that got too me, it was everything building up for the past couple of days. It was the pressure and the stress of all the things I need to do and have left undone, me getting frustrated because my  body was too weak to keep up with my responsibilities, and my kids being too much to handle.

I felt it overcome me, I felt it creep in, I looked at my boy and smashed a cup in front of him. The pressure was too much that it broke into a hundred tiny pieces as it hit the floor.

This, this is the day people have been telling me about. It finally got to me. Everything finally got to me. And I am not proud of it.

I saw the fear in my son’s eyes. His gentle, sweet, loving momma has turned into a monster and he was there to see it.

He stood there frozen in fear. The boy I love the most was scared and traumatized.  Something I will probably remember forever.

I stormed out of the bathroom locked myself in the room and screamed. I screamed all my frustrations out. I cried and sat on the floor.

Parenting is tough. And when you just lost a mother who was the only one helping you through your parenting battles you’ll often feel lost. I felt lost and overwhelmed.

After pouring everything out, I grabbed a towel , got out of the room, and went back to the bathroom to hug my child. I wrapped the warm, fuzzy towel around his little body and hugged him tight, tears streaming down both our cheeks.

I had no words.

He broke free from my embrace, looked at me and said sorry.

I was too guilty to say anything back. At that moment I felt like I didn’t deserve my beautiful angels. I wanted to go back to a few moments ago and undo what I just did. But it already happened.  When we got back in the room I sat him down and talked to him about it. Mommy is human after all. She gets tired and overwhelmed sometimes, I explained to him.

It was a parenting lesson I will never forget.

Parenting is tough, it will try and test you, it will challenge you, drive you crazy. As much as it will make you happy 99.99% of the time, there will come  time when it will all be too much and you will lose it. The challenges that come with raising little humans will drain your patience and make every cell in your body exhausted.

When that time comes, when it becomes too much to bear–you break a glass, throw a toy, shout, or scream–you will not be proud of it, you will feel bad about it.

But most importantly you will learn from it. And it’s something you will never forget.

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