You know when they say the first Christmas without a mother is the toughest, well the second Christmas is just as tough atleast for me.

The season of merriment has been hard on me because it has been making me miss my mom.

Tonight I got a sweet visit from my mama.

Unlike most dreams where you just go with the flow I knew from the very beginning that it was a dream, and that my mom was just there to visit.

And so the moment I saw her I hugged her tight, very tight. I kept telling her “I love you mama, I love you with all my heart”.

It felt so real, like I could feel her body, and smell her hair!

I kept telling her “Mahal na mahal kita mama [I love you so much mama]”.

She kept giggling and smiling, she was healthy chubby and jolly with two big dangling earrings and boatloads of accessories.

And then I saw two young girls who in the dream were like taking care of my mom, I talked to them a little and asked “Does she know? Does my mother know that she’s dead and this is the afterlife?”

They just smiled at me as if saying “ofcourse she does”.

And then my mama called me and asked if I wanted any of her earrings , she had so many from a big box “Gusto mo ‘to Ne? [Do you like this one Ne (her term of endearment)],” she asked me with her usual gregariousness. I hugged her again and told her I love her, but this time I felt aware of my sleeping body too. I felt something a bit heavy envelop my body. Like a blanket of energy wrapped around me.

I guided my mother down the stairs and told her how much I have been missing her “Hirap na hirap na ako ma without you [I’ve been having such a difficult time without you],” I blurted out.

I saw the sadness in her face so I reassured her “but don’t worry about me ma I’ll manage, what’s important to me is that you’re happy. I want you to be happy mama , I want you to be at peace here in the afterlife that’s what matters to me”

She smiled and then I felt like I had to say goodbye and get back to my family. I told her I loved her one last time , said goodbye, and told her I have to get back to my children and I slowly woke up.

I sat up, cried my eyeballs out and wrote every detail here so I don’t forget.

It was such a beautiful, vivid dream. It has happened quite a few times and almost always at around a time of celebration like my birthday and this time Christmas.

I’ve had other dreams which I felt like regular ones about my mom where I just go with the flow and then I wake up not remembering the details.

The special dreams like this one always involves me being so hyper aware like I know what was happening, I could control my body and what I say. I know my mom’s just visiting.

In a special dream she’s vibrant, happy, healthy. She doesn’t say much like words don’t come out but I could hear it, yes strange.

This one was the most vivid though because I swear I felt like really hugging her body, and I smelled her hair, and I felt an energy wrap around my sleeping body.

Though I’m still devastated because I still miss her everyday I will rejoice in knowing that my mama is happy out there.

Until we meet again Mom! I love you.