Next month will mark the first year of our lives without mom.

She died November 26, 2016, on a Sunday evening.

I wish I can tell those who just recently lost a parent that it will get easier soon, but that would be a lie.

Almost a year after losing her I am still devastated, I doubt if my broken heart will heal soon. I still cry everyday, most of the times at night when my kids are sleeping.

That’s the only time the house quiets down and I can feel loneliness creep in. I welcome it, I allow myself to feel it. Crying feels good actually, it’s like releasing all sadness I have been holding in all day and afterwards I feel recharged.

I try to hold it in around my children because I can see how this grief has been affecting them. One time my kids found my crying and my two year old asked “Why you crying Mama? Is it Lulay (we called my mom Lulay)?”. I saw in her eyes that she could feel my pain and that my little one, my precious little 2 year old worries about me. She leaned closer and hugged my head.

My five year old though is starting to get tired of seeing me cry. He said “Mom you have to stop thinking about your mother it’s making you sad. Stop thinking about her you are going to cry again forever!”.

I know they can feel my pain and they worry about me so I try to cry only at night when they won’t see me.

A few days ago my husband had a discussion with my mother in law, we were having some sort of issues. It was pretty late at night, and just like clockwork the waterworks began. I missed mom and told my husband I felt lonely. I felt alone, I felt bullied somehow.

My husband kept reassuring me that he will always have my back but I felt that at that moment I needed my mother but she wasn’t there so I cried my eyeballs out. I kept telling my husband I have no one else now.

And then out of nowhere came a black butterfly. It circled our room twice stayed around us for a few minutes and disappeared.

Our room was closed shut, all our windows have screen panels and we make sure they are closed and sealed at all times (because we try to keep mosquitoes out), so I am pretty sure there’s no chance a butterfly can get in.

I chuckled a bit because I knew it was mom. It was so small! And I used to make fun of how small my mama was, she was 4’8″.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. After my Dad died we often saw black butterflies at home. One time The butterfly sort of “picked” me up from school. My school was a few blocks away from our house and this black butterfly followed me from my school until I reached our gate. My sister, who was waiting for me by the gate, said it looked like it was “walking” me home.

Another time a black butterfly kept flying above my head. I cried and kept calling out “Daddy, Daddy”. The butterfly landed on my ear. I could still remember how his little legs felt around the top of my ear. It stayed there for awhile I cried and told my friends “it’s my Dad”.

So this isn’t something new to me. It has happened to me before. So when I saw the black butterfly I knew it wasn’t some random butterfly who got lost inside our home.

I knew in my heart that it was her reassuring me that she still has my back, that no matter what happens I will have her by my side. It was comforting, it made me feel as if she’s just around.

Right at that moment when I felt alone, she came and reached out to probably say I am not and will never be alone. She will always be with me.

I miss you though, I will miss you Mom forever.